Sunday, September 27, 2009

Temptation of the Salty Sea

Exulted One fighting evil with his trusty
turd rifle 

Temptation of the Salty Sea

Acolyte lesson II

Welcome Acolyte and seeker. The Church of the Blue Moon is pleased that you have chosen the path of learning and have advanced to lesson II of this series set forth by your spiritual leader, The Exulted One. As you may know, your leader suffered many trials and setbacks before attaining the wisdom necessary to fulfill the rigorous demands placed upon a Church leader. It is to be hoped that my travails will benefit you in you quest to SEEK and FIND rather then be THE AIMLESS WANDERER that I once was. Bless you, Acolyte! Bless you!

I could say that my difficulties began when I was Shanghaied By the evil Captain of the Polar Cyst, a sinister vessel of no known flag. Not so! The mistakes and failings of my early life landed me there, a smelt in an creek filled with toothy pike.

Had I only followed the sage advice of my Blessed Ma and furthered my career in the recycled bottle industry! Ma knew best, herself an expert tester of beer, always "clanking another one down the gullet" as she would so sweetly describe. A thrifty woman, putting each empty bottle securely away for her only son's future. When the mountain of bottles shifted, pinning dear old Ma to the dank cellar floor, crushing her like a wine grape, I knew I must go, and run I did.

taking refuge under the pier and in the company of a number of shady characters, my thoughts turned inward. I thought deeply for perhaps the first time in my young life. My thoughts were cut short, however when one one the larger and more disreputable of the bunch pointed a dirty, mangled finger at me and yelled: "That one'll do!"

Somehow, I would up in the bowels of that decrepit wreak, the Polar Cyst. Ankle deep in fetid, oily water. All I knew was to bail, bail, bail with my flimsy bucket. Bilge Rat, they called me, and bilge rat was what I ate every meal, if I could catch one. I was not a happy boy.

It was dark down there, a five watt light bulb the sole source of light and warmth. Have to tell you, Norway rat, grilled on a five watt bulb is not the world's worst meal. Still, my thoughts turned to escape....

I turned to prayer but my "prayers" went unanswered. I prayed harder, still nothing! Then and there I knew Ma's "Church o' Beer" Praying wasn't going to cut it. Starting right then, I decided my very own church was the route for me, no pop the cap and spit at the evil one. If only I received a "sign from above", Then I would know I was on the right track.

Wouldn't you know it!, just then, that exact second, a big, juicy rat slipped off one of the overhead pipes and landed smack in front of me! I trapped it in my bucket! A Blessing from above!

Shortly after my prayers were answered and I got my "sign", One of the crew came down the hatch, dragged me up into the blinding sunlight and threw me overboard. It seems the Coast Guard was bearing down on them so I got thrown into the briny deep. The Polar Cyst turned North into a fog bank and I was washed ashore.

So, Beloved Acolyte, the temptation of the salty sea was to follow the old ways and not follow my heart. That is the lesson I brought to you today. I still have Ma's old bottle cap puller here as a Holy Relic but the Church of the Blue Moon, Moon Beams on you Naked Booty, forges ahead. Bless you!

Your humble leader, The Exulted One

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